i waited the whole day... for a simple msg or a call..
but none...... :(
i eventually called her..
but she said tat she was bz...
she has no time for me...
to even sent me a msg or to call to check on me..
maybe im just trying too hard...
it hurts but maybe im just no longer much of a value left to her...
:(
only u noe my true feelings dear journal... only u...
haiz...
wen out wif her recently... to play our favourite game.. BOWLING...
in the morning, i wen to pick up my new bike.. but everything was settled by about 10 plus... wen back home to get ready for my date wif bucuk... but.. i waited.. n waited.. n waited.. she didnt called at all.. at last.. i lost my patience and gave her a call.. guess wad..? she was still asleep,. i was pissed off man.. but controlled myself.. this shows how she treats me.. she noes tat i was very exicited about going out wif her.. i guess she didnt give a damn.. yet she blame me for not waking her up wen i knew tat she did not call me in the first place.. haiz.. i was thinking like.. hey didnt u said tat ur the one tat wanted to call me in the 1st place... but never mind tat.. we did wen out..
again... she was the 1st gerl and the 1st person to get a ride on my new bike.. picked her up at CCK.. and we headed to bukit batok to play bowling thre.. by den i had forgotten tat i was angry at her.. it was all gone.. because thre at the bowling alley.. memories came back... to feel my heart wif happiness.. we were once again behaving like a couple..
after the bowling games.. we headed to IMM for lunch... we went to Swensens.. but den we had a slight misunderstanding... i guess i asked to many questions.. jealousy came in to me... but wad can i do.. i was just curious sey... i loved her.. n wanted to noe if anyone else was is trying to get her... to noe wad she was doing wen she wanted to go her own way and left me suffering all alone..
den i said.. feeling disappointed.. if u want to have ur womanly attitude den fine.. she struck a serious look but den started to drop tears.. i comforted her... thinking why is she crying.. only after our meal.. she declared tat she saw me being angry and as if scolding her.. so she cried.. but wen the did ever did tat?? i didn't sey.. i didn't scold her at all.. i was just questions tat i asked.. maybe too much.. so i apologized... i couldn't see her feeling sad.. it broke my heart..
wen den head back to CCK to sent her home.. i stopped her beside the ESSO petrol station.. i told her tat i loved her.. but.. she didnt say it back... no matter how.. she didnt say it back.. i tore my heart/.. she just didnt care to notice.. how much i needed her to say it.. i felt tat i am doing things alone.. even though yes... i said to her lets take it slowly.. but still.. i need some encouragements.. but none was given...
she msged me and said tat it was too early to say anything.. little tat she noes tat it broke my heart even more... i am a guy.. a person wif pride.. i am expensive.. i am a leader.. but now... i am nothing.. wen will she ever make me a man again.. she thinks tat she is right.. but i think she maybe right but doing it in a wrong way.. there are better ways tat both of us can do,.. whre no one would get hurt...
gerl... u just gotta believe in me.. trust me.. and not take advantage of my kindness.. it was me to prove myself tat i can be a better person.. and i am proving it to u.. but for how long..? den wad about u..? ur perfect tat u need not do anything to prove urself or to me..? or are u too egoist..? haiz....
AM I OF VALUE TO U BUCUK..? TO LET ME BE THE ONE WORKING HARD TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP?
even-though u show signs tat u are trying.. yes i saw tat.. but i need to hear concrete evidence... i need to hear words of encouragement.. i need to hear tat u love me.. not let me play a guessing game..
but i cant help but to say tat i'm very much pleased wif ur ways recently wen i picked u up from werk.. hehehehe.. u hugged me wen i rode u back home.. :) u let me kissed u on ur forehead wen i sent u off.. :) u kissed my hand in sign of respect to me.. i cant help but to smile... it made me feel better.. :) thanks bucuk... u even kissed me once, eventhough i persuaded u too do so.. but still u kissed me.. it was like yahooo.!!! hahhahaha... my dear... all i want to say is tat.. i love u... and we need to keep on trying.. i am being patient wif u and ur werk.. its obvious.. pls bucuk... lets make tis thing werk... :) lets amend our mistakes together..lets become wad we intend to be in the 1st place.. lets be a better couple.. in need to hear u say tat u love me.. i need u to try and put a little more effort.. like maybe.. remembering wad u used to do wen we were in love last tyme.. u noe wad i mean.. simple msg to noe wad im doing even wen ur at werk.. makes me feel tat u have not forgotten about me... and i makes me more wanting to werk harder for u.. it is simple things tat actually tat make things work out better... it will blow me away to hear u say tat u love me again... i will the most happiest guy in the world i tell u.. just to hear u say I LOVE U ABG... ouh i long to hear those words... haiz.. i guess I'll just have to wait den..
in a few days is ur birthday.. on the 27th we will go out together and celebrate khaes bucuk... we'll have fun aites... muaackz..
I guess this is whre the testing begins...
yesterday at werk.. faisal, one of my werk mates saw me msging wif bucuk... and he said out loud... " wah mat...? shira bucuk kaper..? hahahaha... kau da patah balek ngan dier kaper..?" den i said.."ermmm some sort mcm gitu la.. we're taking small steps together..." den he said allhamdulilah..".. but den it was not happiness tat awaits me.. it was an old fren.. sadness..
i called bucuk to tell her wad had happened.. and asked if it is ok to say like tat.. but she said PROBABLY NOT.. and a sudden blankness strucked me.. dumbfounded... i felt like crying again.. holding onto my breath.. hoping none of the tears would fall but...a few drops did managed thru... i cant help it.. i crashed for a moment.. my spirits dropped onto to floor.. and she said i told u already..
wad am i? tat is the question.. i guess im just an idiot tat believes in saving relationships.. tat comes to treasure wad is called the meaning of love... she thinks wad she is doing is right.. but not all are correct.. she thinks tat she has started werk makes her a grown up.. but maturity in thinking.. in relationship wise.. no she has not wisdom.. still the lost gerl tat left me alone.. yes werk is important.. i have no doubt about tat.. but how to balance it wif ur outside world.. tat is more important.. now she just shoves me away.. but im thre for her.. i care enuf to pity her.. kesian si bucuk nie asyik balek keje lambat.. i let down myself.. to fetch her from werk...
wad more is need for u to see in me.. to see if i have really2 changed.? no.. tat is never the concern anymore.. i am changed.. i have upgraded my patience level to a maximum for u.. to be more understanding for u.. wad more is needed.. the truth is tat.. u are still not brave enuf to except the fact tat u are still lost.. and yet.. stubborn not to let me guide u.. haiz the ego of a women.. wen a guy has come to her needs.. she still wants to play this games.. u will never find urself falling more for until u open up urself.. ur feelings will forever stay the same until u open ur eyes to see.. to see who is tat guy tat is on ur door steps waiting for u.. i hope u can take tis opportunity tat is upon u.. tat i have let down myself for u.. not for anyone else.. but for u.. the one tat craves for it once upon a time.. now tat it has happen.. please if dont noe wad to do... be humble enuf n ask me.. i will not advise u wrongly.. deep down u noe tat im a nice and gentle person.. so with a kind heart.. come.. lets make things happen.. haiz.. before its too late..
13th of July is just a few hours away.. u noe it.. but i hope u will choose not to ignore it... let me take 1st move... and say.. happy 13th of the month.. happy 1 year 2 months of loving u...
I guessit has been a while since i last type my journal...im sorry for tat... im full of words but just too lasy to type it out here.. my true journal lies in my head..
things has been falling apart for me... i lost control of myself due to my ego, temperment... i have forgotten who i was and became my worst enemy tat i once was.. for tat my dear bucuk had to pay the price.. she was patient she was strong.. but it was me who was blinded by my actions.. i was wrong.. and she left me for my mistakes.. i didnt noe wad to do at 1st.. i became desperate... fighting for every opportunity to hold on to her... without out realising tat i was making it worst... she even changed her phone number.. deleted me from her facebook... i was so upset.. but i guess.. i can never blame her..
i wanted to move on.. but my heart still craves for her.. i was lost.. i sat down alone often.. trying to ponder ways to solve the blankness tat i have... den.. i said to myself.. lets walk down tis path tat i and my dear bucuk once walked together side by side for one last tyme.. i wen to the 1st place we met.. remembering every single detail tat i could of tat fateful day.. tears rolled down my cheeks as i remembered how beautiful it was wen we first took the journey of love.. tat i have fallen in love with a gerl for the 1st tyme in my life... it stucked me.. tat i will have to amend my mistakes.. for tis gerl tat i came to love..because.. she deserves it.. but i tot to myself.. wad if it fails.. wad if its too late.. den tis sentence came across my mind.. "HE WHO DARES NOT GRASPED THE THORNS, SHALL NEVER CRAVE TO ROSE".. so i took my steps to recovery.. to remind someone.. u would need to remind urself 1st.. and so i did.. waking up everyday looking at our photo on top of my bed.. with patience.. with remorse.. she is the one for me.. and i will do wadever i can to make her remember who she really is to me.. her abg.. her bacin.. her love..
If u are reading tis my dear.. den u will noe tat i still love u with all of my heart.. pls noe tat i haven ever felt tis way for a person.. n tat ur smile makes my heart beats faster.. i will be thre for u always from now on.. i will be thre to guide u from now on.. i will be the guy tat u once fell in love wif from now on.. i will take better care of u from now on.. i have realised my mistakes.. damn i hated myself for being a jerk.. pls.. forgive me.. i was gone for a minute but now im back.. i will be ur lover.. and i will be ur best fren.. like once upon a tyme tat we were.. im back and eager to be wad u wanted.. i was wrong n i admit it.. all tis is done because i love u.. i have remembered.. now.. its ur turn... muaackz... for ever n ever baby.. 13.05.09
aeki a.k.a cuki
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